Friday, July 08, 2005
i'll be frank
aahhh. it's a new day. i was thee worlds largest bitch yestarday. maybe i'm paranormally attached to london on some level. but it feels good to start afresh this morning. i'm in the office today, by myself, which is lovely. coffee, a bit o coltrane, and the world wide web, or the last battle. i'll swap as the day goes on. the weather's incredible. my clothes are clean and pressed. for the most part i'm good. however there is one thing hanging over my ever erratic brain... my spirit. my soul. from where does my joy come? right now i can't say that i know. my wife? she fills a void that only she can fill. but i'm not of a single void. music? playing is a delight, most of the time, but listening to it? i don't know what i care for anymore. friends? like guy friends or "best" friends. there are a lot of phone numbers in my phone book, but who can i really talk to these days? and the next, or the last, empty space that i carry, the big one, the you know who, is my chief dilema. thats where i desire to put good amounts of deprived and neglected energy. since christmas i've been like a distant relative of jesus'. i don't know who he is, or what he is, or if he is. is that where i'm from? or why i'm here, or my purpose? the answers to those questions would bring me joy, i'm sure of it. here i am, raised in a church since birth, learning the stories, singing the songs, acting the part, and i'm clueless. one day something just might happen. i'll have faith in something, and i'll have joy.
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3 comments:
matty (ie?)
i know what you mean. i've been feeling bland, and apathetic. like bilbo says, "butter scrapped over too much bread". i observe myself grasping in a million different mental directions. if you could stop-motion my brain it would look like a ten million intersections every few feet.
and i always come back to the obvious lack of action that provokes these feelings. it's kind of ironic that the state of mind that really calls for genuine progression is the very state that makes it so difficult.
i need to talk (and think) less and do more. do more of what i know needs to be done. the world is full of too much talk.
love you.
I like what josh had to say on the issue.... we all tend to overthink it sometimes.
yes yes yes apply for starbucks here! it would be amazing if you could work at starbucks over in the uk and you guys could live in London, and it would be so much easier to transfer if you began now. it is very possible to transfer into international markets as long as you have a valid worker's visa (which you should be able to get no problem). I tend to talk with the boys and girls in international a lot (my goal is to work internationally) and i totally want to help you guys however i can. i am so jealous, maybe i should consider doing that too somewhere. anyways, your first step would be to apply here now.
i have been having very similar feelings lately. it's funny that i go to a christian school and am constantly having spiritual something-or-other, and the second i get home and it's something i actually have to put effort into i'm struggling to find where i fit in my relationship with God. that was a long sentence.
i also realize that i am lazy with my spiritual life because i am so busy in every other facet of my life and i expect that i can just put my spiritual journey on cruise control without taking any initiative to make sure i am progressing and understanding better who Jesus is and what He has for me. again - long sentence.
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